The impulse buy and the agonizing wait (HUMOR)

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EDITOR’S NOTE:  Elise Haynes chronicles family life in her blog Haynes Family Yard SaleThe opinions stated in this article are solely her own and not those of St. George News.

You know what I can’t stand?  Ordering stuff online and then waiting for it to arrive.  I’m an instant gratification kind of gal.  I like to impulse buy.  I like to think of a thing I want, drive to the store, buy the thing, and then rip the packaging open on the way to my car—especially if the thing is a party-sized bag of pretzel M&Ms.

A few weeks ago I ordered a book from the Barnes and Noble website.  It’s a children’s Pride and Prejudice board book by Jennifer Adams.  I know.  The minute I read about it in an online book review I raced over to our local Barnes and Noble to impulse buy it.  I don’t think I even put on shoes.  I just jumped up from my computer, hopped in my car, and high-tailed it across town.  Imagine my disappointment when the book wasn’t in stock.  I suppose I could’ve looked at a different store, but I didn’t have a left over Christmas gift card for any other book stores. I walked back into the pouring rain (it always rains in my sad memories) and wandered around the mall parking lot, pondering the meaning of life with a crowd of emo teenagers who apparently gather there for that specific purpose.  (See ya next week, guys!  Same time, same place?)

I do not appreciate having my impulse purchases thwarted (which is why I rarely bring my husband shopping) so I raced home and impulsively ordered the book online.  I also ordered a copy of the book for my niece who lives in Logan, Utah.  She got her copy in the mail last week.  My book still isn’t here and it’s killing me.  Every day I stop at the mailbox, every day it’s the same junk mail—reminders to pay my power bill or gas bill or whatever.  No book.  The only logical explanation I can come up with is that my mail-delivery lady (who I’m positive hates me to the very core of her being, but that’s a story for another day) is secretly hoarding my book in the back of her mail truck with her collection of Federal tax return checks and Red Plum mailers.  My mail lady has seriously killed my impulse-buying buzz.

Before this cursed recession struck I was kind of a professional impulse buyer.  My most infamous pre-recession impulse purchase was a golden retriever which we named Rosco P. Coltrane.  He was a sweet puppy, but I think that deep down in his dog heart Rosco knew that he was nothing more than an impulse purchase and he resented us for it.  Within his first week home it became obvious that he disliked us intensely.  Why else would anyone do what he did on our wood floor?  And on our carpet?  To make a long story short, golden retrievers are not a wise impulse buy.

I’ve since developed a litmus test for determining whether an item is a good or bad impulse buy.  These are the questions you must ask yourself:  1. Will this item require food and water?  2. Does this item have poor bladder control?  If you answer yes to either of those questions, your item would constitute an unwise impulse buy.  My Pride and Prejudice board book clearly passed the test.  Now I just need the mail lady to deliver it.

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