When love isn’t enough: Reaching a family member with addiction

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CONTRIBUTED CONTENT — The most common questions from a person trying to get their loved one into treatment for addiction are “How can I help? What do I need to do to change them?” The answer? You can’t. 

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At Lion’s Gate Recovery, we know that the addict is not reachable by any human power. Whether you’re religious of any denomination or spiritual of any philosophy, it takes a power greater than family to reach the addict in any meaningful way.

The family member or friend only needs to take an inventory of what is and isn’t working. If an honest assessment of the help that has been given by friends and family is taken, then it is clear it’s not working. So what can be done?

Having worked in the field of addiction for over 25 years, I have seen many families transform their hopeless feelings of addiction into great personal strengths.

One family group counseling member recently said the following: 

I have gained so much because my son is an addict. His issues have taught me to take better care of myself. For years, I tried to fix him. I lost myself in his problems. My husband and other children suffered because I was so focused on the problem. I couldn’t see the solution. As I started to attend this family group and other family 12-step support groups, I began to see that I couldn’t change him … I needed to change me. 

This is a very common statement among the members of family group counseling. Working to try and fix another human being who suffers from addiction is the essence of insanity.  

What can be done? I have seen the look in a person’s eyes when they realize that addiction is bigger than the love that they have for their addict. In fact, love is a resource for addiction. Yes, love is the main resource of addiction. Finding that out was another shock. 

I was a young counselor, and I was leading a family group in the counseling center where I worked. One of the mothers was sharing all the trials and tribulations she had been experiencing with her son for the last few years. He had been in and out of hospitals, jails and rehabs. She had tried everything to help him, yet he continued to relapse repeatedly. I knew she loved him deeply. 

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At the end of her share, she said, “I have come to the place that if he dies, it’s a better place than where he’s at right now. I think he would be better off.”

I was incredulous. Worry crept in because I didn’t want the other family members to think there was no hope. Yet most of the parents were nodding in agreement and looking down as she made the statements. 

Lack of love was not the problem. She loved her son, but that love had been turned into something different by the addiction. 

What can we do about addiction? Plenty. Over the years, it’s very plain to see that what we believe about addiction must be changed. Love – and the perception of love given – must be changed. Instead of educating on what not to do, we need to come to an understanding of what addiction is. 

Get your loved one into professional treatment and start getting help for yourself. Family group counseling is still my favorite group of the week. It’s open to everyone and is a non-client group.

Written by AARON WARD, Lion’s Gate Recovery. 

• S P O N S O R E D  C O N T E N T •

Resources

  • Lion’s Gate Recovery
    • Locations: 260 W. St. George Blvd., St. George | 535 S. Main St. #2, Cedar City.
    • Telephone: 866-471-9476.
    • Website.

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